I am feeling really down this morning. Not sleeping enough probably has something to do with it. I feel like I am in a major state of limbo. I go from being cautiously optimistic to very paranoid, like I have already lost this fight.

This has happened before, and I feel like I know how it ends.

If it doesn't end I am still at a loss for how to express myself. I need to spend time on that this evening.

Remember that you will get through this. You will be happy. Live in the moment and learn from it.

Sustaining Progress

Yesterday was a very positive day, despite the fact that I barely spoke to Ellie and I have no idea where our relationship will end up. I feel very good about things, but when I think about us living together it seems emensely complicated.

I woke up very early so that I could leave a rose on Ellie's car. It is simple, but it lets her know I am thinking about her. The day was kind of tough, and that seems to be a trend. In the middle of the day I get a bit paniced about the situation. I am learning to breathe and take it a step at a time. That is all I can really do at this point. I can't undo the past, and as Dorothy said in our very productive session last night - I cannot miraculously become who Ellie wants me to be. I can become a better version of myself - she can tell me how to be a better partner, but in the end that is all that can be done.

Something that made a lot of sense to me was Dorothy's suggestion that we be much more specific. Break things down to the lowest possible level and find out what you really want. What does happiness and a relationship mean to me? What specific things would make me happy.

I think I also got at the root of what has been making me so angry for so long. It is recognition. I don't feel recognized. That comes from a lot of places I think - my parents, my peer group, my relationship... some things come easy for me, but I don't feel that I get recognition for them. I got awards for my academics, and I have many things to show for my abilities. Why is this not good enough. I need to go within and examine this more deeply.

Maybe I got more recognition when I was younger, but from say the teenage years on, I got very little recognition for my achievements. Then those things that I was not so good at, primarily socializing, left me feeling very empty and just furthered these feelings. My good deeds went unnoticed and perhaps I internalized the lack of social recognition to everything I do. I am constantly seeking attention, but at the same time attention makes me uncomfortable. This is a contradiciton.

What does happiness and success mean to me? be blunt! List things:

-Nice space to live: well designed, clean, comfortable, good for having people over, something I can be proud of.
-Time for myself: exercising, reading, being lazy, less pressure, more interdependence
-Career: creativity, project oriented not management oriented

This makes me think that Ellie and I need to have a similarly blunt conversation, ans similarly to Dorothy and Ira I need to realize what is reasonable, and what I do just because it makes me happy. I can't expect Ellie to be as anal as me, so I need to recognize these items as things I do for me. Not things I expect from her, but things I do for me.

At the same time, we need to discuss the basic things that need to get done just so we can live: the bills, the shopping, the cooking, the laundry, cleaning etc.

How does she express her love for me, and how do I express my love for her? This cycle seems very broken to me.

Reflect on this and next time address it. Also, perhaps an entry per codependent trait.

Time to begin...

I have been journaling in private sporadically and much more frequently given the state of my relationship. This blog will become a place for me to journal in a more spontaneous free flowing way. I can jump on at any time of the day and jot down what I am feeling.

It is also a way for me to be engaged in my progress, and for others to become engaged if I so choose.

Don't let it be an empty space, fill it with thoughts like these happy poka dots!